Rain

Things have been one hell of a roller coaster ride. I just want to get off, but it will have to wait for a little while longer. If I'm being honest, I haven't really helped the situation, either. June 2 was my 26th birthday. It started off the night before having copious amounts of three-some sex and alcohol. June 4th was that month's full moon. I spent it getting stupid drunk and watching movies in the living room with my husband. I spent this year's summer solstice drinking until I passed out. July's full moon, which landed on the 3rd, was also spent shitty drunk after a long (but eventful day) with family in Austin at the pool. You see where this is going? Up until last night, I had spent the entire month of June and the first week of July ridiculously intoxicated. I haven't done a damn thing with myself except wallow in self-pity and push everyone away. While I never drank while my children were awake, as soon as I had put them all in bed for the night, I would immediately open the bottle and pour a glass, or two, or four. I am on a regime of medication. It's helping, but I was still drinking too much, that is, until last night. Last night, immediately after I had brought the laundry in from the line, it started to rain. My first reaction, "Phew! Perfect timing!" as I had spent the entire day doing laundry and would have been devastated if three large loads of laundry got soaked in the storm. Afterward, however, I felt excited, like I used to when I was a teen. I don't think I've been this happy for rain since. It poured. I turned off the air conditioner, opened the doors, and spent most of the evening walking back and forth through the kitchen to get to the back and front doors of our new apartment. (We've been living here since May 8th) I had locked our heavy storm doors and the kids and I peered through the metal screens to watch the rain fall. I couldn't contain my excitement for very long. Grabbing the two middle children (the youngest is only 5 months old, and the oldest is grounded) I went outside and took a deep breath. We stood on the porch and stuck out our arms pass the edge of the roof so we could feel the rain on our fingertips. The hem of my long skirt was beginning to get soaked through. I said to hell with it and the three of us ran into the rain. "This is a cleansing rain," I thought, as I grabbed my youngest daughter and brought her and her sister back under the safety of the porch roof. The three of us were soaked. I didn't care that I was wearing a white shirt with no bra and was probably giving the neighbors a lovely show. I didn't care that Rose (youngest daughter) wasn't wearing any pants, or that Iris ran out in her house shoes, or that my husband was complaining about how the apartment was now humid from the doors being open. I didn't care about anything. For one small moment, it was just me, and my daughters, enjoying the cold, exhilarating rain on our faces. I felt the same as I had when I was a teen, running down our street in the storms. I didn't drink last night and slept soundly. It's raining again today. Sheet after sheet of rain feels like it's washing away something that had been hovering for far too long. J starts his new well-paying job tomorrow. Things will be changing again. I think, this time, I may be ready. I don't know where we'll be when Lughnasadh rolls around. It will be a year since we left Iowa then. If we move closer to J's new job before then, it will be the 6th move for us in the past twelve-month. I want to get off this roller-coaster ride, but at least I know this time I won't throw up.

Beltane and May's super Full Moon

I wish I had more friends; more supplies, more something. I feel a little lonely and sometimes empty when performing my rituals. Beltane was spent at home with the children. I had planned for us to go outside, but it was unbearably hot and the children cranky. The heat made me feel ill and a headache all day. Saturday's super full moon was also a bust. The sky was thick with clouds and the air sticky and hot. It was suffocating just stepping outside. I was horribly bummed I didn't get to see the largest full moon of the year. Instead, I contemplated the goals I was going to set for this lunar cycle. I can't wait until things get back to normal. Everything is still a bit of a mess in my life and it's really fucking up my zen.

New Moon Reflections

Tonight is the new moon, a night of reflection. A night where I shed old habits and create new ones. A night of introspection.

Last week, an old friend of mine (read: 15 years of friendship), passed away. If the rumors are to be believed, he was an alcoholic and did drugs. He was also obese and suffered from sleep apnea. He had just had his birthday party, six days after his actual birthday, and had passed out, drunk, in his car. I don't know how the night played out. I just know that he was found the next morning no longer alive.

I met Luis in middle school, at Fairway Middle School, which no longer exists, when we were in the 6th grade and 11 years old. He had just turned 26 on the 8th. I went to his funeral yesterday morning. Life is short. Very. Incredibly. Short. He left behind a two-year-old son.

I fell apart yesterday (Thursday) at that funeral. Listening to his mother cry out "My Baby! My only baby boy!" and her begging for him to wake up and come out of that coffin was more than I could take. Seeing friends I hadn't seen in years because we had all grown up, moved away and started our adult lives, but were all brought together over the loss of someone we held dear. I hate the fact that I reconnect with others after someone dies. I like these people, enjoy their company, but the only time we ever see each other is because of the passing of a friend.

I'm still reeling. I'll be 26 in June. If I were to die less then a week from my birthday, would I be satisfied with what I have done with my life? Have a given an example for my children to look up to? What legacy am I leaving behind?

A lot to think about tonight. A lot to think about.

Descanse en paz, hermano. Rest in peace, bro.