Wolf Moon 2016

So, since the Grove only has dark moon rituals, I decided to do my full moon rituals at home with a simple card pull and a meditation.

I am using Sulamith Wulfing's Fairy Oracle, which I have had for well over a decade now. When my ex-husband and I first got married, I had really wanted Brian Froud's Faeries' Oracle. Unfortunately, it had just come out at the time, was very popular, and at a price we could not yet afford. J had found these for much cheaper. Funnily enough, these now cost more than Froud's.

These cards are not actually oracle cards but are more little devotionals. The front of the card depicts the colorful and beautiful artwork of Wulfing while the back frames the focal point of the same picture in black and white. Underneath the picture is a simple message. The message is only a sentence long, resembling something you would find inside a Japanese/Chinese-American cookie.

For this month's full moon meditation, I reflected the meaning of the wolf as well as the phrase on the card I pulled.

For more information on this year's full moons, their names, and their meanings, consider visiting: http://www.space.com/31699-full-moon-names-2016-explained.html

This month's card depicts two faces; one face, feminine and childlike, facing outward, and one face above her and seemingly older, overlapping, in profile. To the bottom right of the picture, overlapping both faces, is a moth, wings outspread. The phrase reads: Love is the only fortune that grows as it is spent.

Right now, my life is a hot damn mess. I have a lot on my plate and I'm panicking so badly I'm pushing people away. I'm afraid of being loved because of the mess I created in my life, and it has caused me much loneliness. I guess the Universe is telling me to put my big-girl panties on and let love in. Only love is real.

As for the wolf, I see it as symbolizing intelligence and instincts; two things I need to work on. I'm in no way an idiot, but I have a lot to learn. I, also, rarely trust my instincts. *sigh* So much work to do, and much to reflect on.

What are your full moon musings?

New Moon January 9, 2016 and the Empress

OK, so I know that this is well over a week after the fact, but I attended my first ritual in YEARS back on Saturday the 9th with Hearthstone Grove in Austin. They are a lovely group of people, and though I don't see them often, I do hold them close to my heart. Their Dark Moon rituals are held to the public, so even though I am not a member of the grove, I'm still able to attend ritual.

To be honest, I don't remember much of the ritual except a few things. The temperature was about 37° F, so that may have attributed to my memory loss as I spent most of my time focusing on trying not to freeze. I had left right after school and had only worn my hoodie sweater, so I borrowed one from a friend and put that over mine. Even though I was wearing two hoodies, I was still cold. It didn't help that the log for the bonfire wouldn't light. A good chunk was spent just trying to get the damned thing going. Booze was added to amp the flame, but even that didn't work. Paper was found and draped all over and eventually it did stay lit, but of course, after everyone had given up and said "If it blows out, then, whatever." I remember the opening and closing of the circle, which was done by walking deosil and later widdershins, and singing both times, but can't recollect what songs were sung. I always enjoy this part of ritual, especially in a group. It's the only time I can harmonize, and it sounds so lovely to me. There was also a part, during offering, where the leader decided to 'twerk' at the fire as his offering. I'm quite sure the gods were pleased with his booty bouncing. :)

Anyway, during ritual, a card from the Tarot was pulled to represent the next few weeks until the next new phase. The card pulled was The Empress.

According to the Rider-Waite, the Empress signifies "Birth. Growth. Development. Nurturing. The Empress is a good mother. Fruitful, benevolent, loving and caring. A person of station deserving of respect. When seeking answers about one's self, the card may indicate motherly worries about people or projects. It may raise the question of too much mothering or over-protectiveness. It may also be a reminder to the seeker that patience and persistence are necessary when nurturing growth. Traditionally, fertility, wealth, marriage, a female family member." Reversed, the meaning changes to "The opposite of nurturing and caring. Disregard for others. Abandonment of those who need care. Perhaps an indication to learn to be a better nurturer or caretaker. Traditionally, infertility, poverty, lethargy, infidelity."

According to the Crowley Thoth tarot, the Empress resembles "Love. Beauty. Happiness. Pleasure. Success. Fruitfulness. Good Fortune. Graciousness. Elegance. Gentleness." Ill-dignified, it represents "Dissipation. Debauchery. Idleness. Sensuality.

In another deck it means "Utilizing your creativity. Manifesting; allowing things to grow and develop around you. Growth and prosperity. Reversed: Too easygoing; the need to stand up for your rights."

There are more similar meanings elsewhere, especially online, and you can find one at http://www.simplytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/major-arcana-tarot-card-meanings/the-empress/

As for what it means to me, I see it as a whole lot of change is coming.

I already had a faint idea that change was coming. I had gone to a New Year's Eve party at a friend's and crashed on her couch afterwards. I had a lot of dreams, but the one that I remembered was one dealing with change. The exact words said in the dream were 'change is coming,' and I innately knew that it would be long and even painful in some parts. I had it sitting in the back of my mind for a while but hadn't let it truly sink in until I sat and meditated about this card.

Change is coming. Big changes. I don't know if it was meant just for me, for the group, for the nation, or for the world, but it will come. I feel nowhere near prepared for life, but I asked for this. I already made plans for changes to occur. Some changes are, of course, happening without any of my control, but others I've set into motion. I can tell you I'm terrified. I've grown comfortable. Regardless of how I feel, though, change is coming.

On another note, I found it interesting that Joanna of Kick-Ass Witch (https://www.youtube.com/user/JoannaDeVoe) has called 2016 her Year of the Queen. She mentioned this in late December, and what I find funny is that the first card pulled for me for the year just happened to be the Empress, which, of course, is a queen.

Here's to a life-changing year, even though I'm already wishing for a do-over.

Mercury Retrograde and January 2016

Is Mercury retrograde fucking anybody else's shit up? Like, seriously?

First, let me start off with saying that the deaths of David Bowie and Alan Rickman have really hit me hard. They were such an inspirational part of my childhood. Bowie's music and personality helped me understand myself better and deal with my inner demons. Rickman's characters brought me much joy, especially the Metatron in Dogma and (of course) Snape in Harry Potter. The fact that their deaths were so close together and caused by cancer wounds me deeply. I may have been able to handle it differently if there had been a larger span of time in between, but seeing as it was, I cried deeply. I never knew these men, and they will never know what they mean to me and how they helped me.

Second, Mercury retrograde [Rx] is fucking my shit up. Usually, Rx doesn't bother me much. Over the years, Rx has been a small nuisance that I easily dealt with. I had a few misfires in some endeavors or misunderstandings in communication, nothing so much that I wanted to light something on fire out of frustration. They were always simple things. This month, however, I have no idea what happened, but it's barely the end of the third week and I just want to walk down a street and punch people in the face. (Don't worry. I'm actually a very loving and passive person and would never actually do this unless threatened, but a girl does have her fantasies.)

It didn't start off poorly. There was a miscommunication with a psychiatric appointment, but I still received my meds, and then I went and enjoyed a day with a friend and Star Wars Episode 7 after a solo dinner at Olive Garden, but then shit just hit the fan. It came in subtly, with the destruction of my phone. I was watching Episode 7, went to the bathroom, and while I flushed the toilet, my phone slipped out of my jacket pocket (I'm still trying to figure this one out) and fell in the toilet. I quickly dried it off, but it eventually ate shit and died and refuses to work. I have shit on that phone that is now gone. *sigh* I have a replacement phone coming next week, but I'm still mourning the loss of my media files.

The next issue is that my car didn't pass inspection. No big deal, it was a "simple fix" having to do with the lights above my license plate. The fuses and bulbs were fine, so it had to be the wiring. Take it to the mechanic, says it's the wiring and an "easy fix", try to order the part, CAN'T FIND THE PART ANYWHERE. So now my inspection and registration tags (which can't be given without a passed inspection) are expired and my plate lights don't work. Every time I drive to go to school, run errands, or visit my kids, I'm paranoid I'm going to get pulled over for the stupid light (which I have before) and then get a ticket for the expired tags (which I just paid off for the last time this happened.) The anxiety when driving (and I'm already a nervous driver) is nauseating. I. do not. have. the money for this shit.

And as of today, I almost died. OK, I'm exaggerating and being melodramatic, but it felt like it. It's cedar season here in Texas and I'm horribly allergic. It's not just a few little sniffles here and there and maybe some itchy, watery eyes every once in a while. I look like I got hit by a truck, or at least, punched in the face. It manifests just like a cold; soar throat, fever, vomiting, nausea, sinus headaches, mucous congestion, runny nose... I feel and look like hell. For the past five days straight I have stayed in bed eating nothing but soup and chocolate, missing school, watching episodes of Bewitched because I can't concentrate long enough to read, and just being miserable. Today I had an asthma attack and ended up in the ER. I figured the doctor was just going to tell me I had a virus or an infection. Nope. Just allergies. Seriously. Allergies to tree pollen. I stopped breathing because of fucking tree semen. Ended up with a shot and am now on a lovely regime of steroids.

*sigh* I just want shit to get back to normal! And if all this is happening and it's not because of Rx, can it ease up, please? I seriously can't continue like this.