The Quest Continues...

I had a Bible study today that just left me feeling like... what the fuck? It wasn't anything having to with the actually study, or maybe it did, I'm not very sure. But anyway, we were discussing the history of the cross. I already knew from my learnings that the cross, ranging from the Latin cross to the Celtic cross and everything in between, was of Pagan origin. And so the study today was why Jehovah would not be pleased with Christians worshiping something that originated not with him, but through the world, and something that he found accursed, etc.

I had mentioned a story about a Pagan friend who had worn a cross to school and a Christian friend telling her that she couldn't wear it because she didn't believe in Christ. One of the girls I study with asked me what I meant by Pagan, I told her that she was Wiccan and her response was "So she worships the Devil?" with this look on her face that actually just left me speechless for a second. I couldn't coherently respond to her without being rude so I just said, in this context, sure. But it left me feeling horribly uncomfortable.

Now, I am a big believer in faith. I believe that religion has its purpose in the world, and I believe that there is indeed an entity out there with phenominal cosmic power. (Pardon the Disney quote) I have experienced some things that I can't turn a blind eye at; my children are the most percious things to me and I prayed for many things with them that I did get in return. I do know that prayers are answered; when I prayed then it wasn't to Jehovah God or Jesus Christ and they were still answered.

I just can't wrap my head around being so narrow minded that religion has to be black and white, us or them. Life has never been like that for me. If there is an entity out there with this Universal power, it could be speaking to us in many ways and have just been named differently in other cultures. It could be many or one, or we could all just be part of some really fucked up dream. But one thingI know for certain is that I could never fully convert to Christianity. Not the way it's supposed to be; the way the Bible asks it to be.

I knew deep down inside that I would always be Pagan, but I had to find out the reasons and I seem to have done just that. I really care about these people and they have been wonderful to me. I have a LOT of Bible knowledge and will continue to visit with them and discuss, but in my heart I know that I just cannot be a Christian; whether it be Jehovah's Witness or some other sect, I just can't. I just can't sacrifice my peace of mind and sanity for something I can't wrap my head around. I don't agree with it, it makes me uncomfortable, and I'm the first person to tell you that I do NOT wish or want to be a hypocrite. I can't stand it, and I don't want to be something I'll detest later.

Just because they say they're right doesn't mean it is. I mean it could be right, but it could be one of many right ways. I'm just going to follow my gut on this...
Riddle me this: how can one truly worship something they don't believe exists? Granted, just because I've never seen a zebra doesn't mean it doesn't exist, but can we honestly apply that to religion?

Religious Quest

There is a lot going on in life right now... My pregnancy will be done in about 6 weeks, my oldest child will be starting pre-school soon, and I'm beginning potty-training my almost-2-year-old. I haven't had much time to sit and really think about what I believe in.

Since taking a break back in March, I've realized that no matter what way I may go, I will always have Pagan tendencies. I have just seen, felt, and experience too much on that side that I have enjoyed very much and am not willing to pretend it didn't happen. It's something that I could never let go.

I've been going to Jehovah's Witness meetings every Sunday and doing a Bible study with them every Tuesday morning. I enjoy it, mainly because I love to learn and understand how people worship Deity. But even though I enjoy spending time with them, and actually agree more with their interpretation of the Bible more than any other Christian sect, it's still something that I don't see myself dedicating myself to. It's such a strict belief system. Granted, they are happy and secure in their beliefs, but it just seems so narrow in areas and I just can't make myself wrap around that.

Right now, spiritually, I'm not forcing anything and just going with the flow. I love the people at Kingdom Hall and have become friends with a few. My daughters love being there and being with them, so I know they have good souls and are wonderful people. I just think I'm going to work it my way somehow.

Taking a Break

Right now I have a lot going on in my life. I'm pregnant, I have two toddlers, and suffer from depression. Even though I've been taking the proper medication and have stayed focus and everything, right now I feel so overwhelmed and lost. I'm questioning and resenting so much.

I've decided to take a step back from everything, including religion, and reassessing little by little. Sometimes that is just something that has to be done.