A Bath of Courage

So, in The Witch in Every Woman, this exercise is in the bath tub. It calls for seven candles, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, deep purple, and lavender, and a sword. Now while I do have all the colors in candles, I don't have enough holders so I went with a red pillar candle as I attribute that color with the Goddess. The sword...I do have one, but I just didn't feel comfortable taking a bath with my sword, so I opted to envision a sword in the bath with me. The exercise suggests you visualize yourself as the Lady of the Lake, breathing and swimming, envisioning a submerged kingdom.

On a hand mirror I was supposed to write the following:

I am Sovereign
I have the courage of all Goddesses
The Witch lives within me
The blade of light, truth, and power belongs to me.

I have a hand mirror, but not one big enough for all those words so I wrote them on a sheet of paper. I was supposed to read them aloud and look at my reflection, but instead I said them to myself and meditated on the words.

Power belongs to me. I have to remember that. I am sovereign. I posses power.

The Gameboard of Life

white = things to send away
black = things to draw in

This is just the beginning of my game board; a bit half-assed as I'm groggy from meds, but hey, it's a start.

[pic attached]

edit to add: i just realized I did my squares backwards and my white is used to draw in. LOL. 

Working on My Craft

So, having lived in my mom's house and under her rules, one thing that she told me was that she accepted the fact that I was a witch, but that I was not allowed to practice in her house. Seeing as I was living there rent-free with meals prepared, I had no objection. Unfortunately, a year plus of minimal practice and lately I've been feeling detached from my practice. This upcoming Celtic New Year (Samhain) feels like the perfect time to get back into my religion and practice.

I have two books that I've had forever and have just been too lazy to read completely through. The first one is The Witch In Every Woman by Laurie Cabot, and the other one is A Witch Alone by Marian Green. Cabot's book has exercises after every chapter with no real timeline. I started reading that today and have made it barely through chapter one because I was busy with the mundane. I will get to it, at least, that's the plan. Green's book is more year-and-a-day based with 13 exercises that follow the moon cycles. I plan on starting this on October's new moon, which so awesomely falls on October 30.

I have a lot on my plate, emotionally, so we'll see how this pans out.

New Moon Prayer and Card Pull

I welcome transformation.
I welcome growth.
I welcome abundance.
I know what I need.
I am ready.

"Miracles are occurring all around you right now. Begin to notice them, and you will experience even more miracles.

This card is the angels’ way of telling you to expect a miracle. Perhaps you feel that you need one right now because you can’t see any other way to a solution. Be open to allowing God to help you resolve your challenges in ways that will surprise you. You open the door for miracles when you become willing to surrender your fears to God. Visualize the angels carrying away the issue, and feel yourself supported by God’s wisdom and creativity.

As you relax into the Source, you are assured that blessings are surrounding you right now. Be open to a miracle coming your way." --http://www.angeltherapy.com

I move in a couple days. I'm going back to my mom's to get as much as I can into my car to bring right back to Tina's place. I'm thankful for the blessings I am receiving.

Autumn Equinox

I celebrated the autumn equinox a little early on Sunday the 18th with some local pagans I've come to call friends. It was simple, and I don't remember much thanks to the heat. We were drenched in sweat even though we were in the shade. It's funny to me that we are celebrating the second harvest, when things start to cool down, and Texas is like, nope, still 110 degrees outside in the shade. It was a simple ritual, not complicated at all, and we gave thanks for the harvest and for our friends and family. It wasn't a large group, but still plenty of people. I felt at peace in the end.

Today I'm just going to light a candle and say a prayer, courtesy from Mrs. B's Guide to Household Witchery by Kris Bradley.

"I light the candle to honor the season and to give thanks for the abundance in my life. I strive to remember these blessings and give thanks for them through the entire year. I strive to remember to share these blessings with others not as fortunate as I am, even when I have little to share. I give thanks to the Lord and Lady for all my blessings this Mabon season, and give thanks for all those blessings that will come to me this glorious fall season. So mote it be."

Harvest blessings to everyone. Blessed be.

Harvest Moon

I was in the hospital for about the past two weeks. I did nothing for the new moon because I was sick, and did nothing for last night's full Corn moon, as I'm still adjusting to my medications. I have a lot of introspection to do. I need to find a place to live that's near the kids, but I have no connections. I have no plans for the harvest Mabon celebration, though I have been invited to one tomorrow. I'm just going to list things I'm thankful for and keep it simple.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. I'm hoping I'm doing this adulting this right in both spiritual and mundane matters.

"Earth my Body - Water my Blood - Air my Breath - Fire my Spirit"

Invocation of the Goddess

from Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham (1989)

Crescent One of the starry skies,
Flowered One of the fertile plain,
Flowing One of the ocean's sighs,
Blessed One of the gentle rain;
Hear my chant 'midst the standing stones,
Open me to your mystic light;
Waken me to your silver tones,
Be with me in my sacred rite!

Full Sturgeon Moon

What is this moon? "Some Native American tribes knew that the sturgeon of the Great Lakes and Lake Champlain were most readily caught during this full Moon."

I didn't meditate today. I've had a headache since yesterday, mostly from my son practically screaming in my ear. He's terrible at whispering, and he has his mother's knack for being loud unintentionally. I did, however, pull a tarot card for a quick check up. I've been staying at my ex's house for the passed two weeks, so I have nothing but some stones and my deck.

I pulled the Hanged Man. "This card speaks of stasis, stalled progress, not taking action or perhaps even procrastination. This card suggests you may not be making a necessary or beneficial change, and are perhaps even denial over the need to make changes...what can you do right now to help yourself move in positive new directions?”

There are a lot of obstacles and changes coming my way, and I've just been sitting here hoping they would pass on their own and I won't have to deal with them. I have my licensure exam on the 29th and my ex suggested I move back in with him since I have a job lined up only 20 minutes away. *sigh* I really need to focus.

Lughnasadh and the New Moon

I did nothing for Lughnasadh. July 31 is child #3's birthday, and she turned 7, so we just celebrated with her. The next day, I spent the day making sure the children did their chores and went to see my psychiatrist. Nothing exciting; Lughnasadh is my least celebrated holiday. I'm not sure why that is; it started way before my daughter was born. I make a note to do something, but I rarely ever do. Even more so now since Rose's birthday lands right before it.

I did, however, pull a three-card spread during a smoke break on Tuesday's new moon. I girl in my class carries a deck with her on the regular, so it was nice to try a new deck with different energies. My reading wasn't too fun, however. I pulled the Two of Swords (reversed), the Lovers, and the Chariot. Basically I'm going through conflicts, need to communicate better, and will be faced with new challenges soon. UGH. I just want a break!

Here's to new challenges, which are already manifesting as I have a job interview on Monday.

Full Moon in Capricorn

My meditation music for the evening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=270zECLqI5Y
My oracle card pull: "It is much easier to be critical than to be correct."
My tarot card pull: Judgment

"The Judgement card represents fairness, discipline, and control. It says discipline is merciful and not harsh. It calls us to be more disciplined and fair with ourselves. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, at the hands of others or by your own hand.

When this card comes up you are asked to look at yourself and your situation with a high degree of honesty. Are you truly doing what is in your best interests? or merely what you “think” you want? 

In this card the Angel Gabriel sounds the trumpet. It is a wake-up call to look for your higher purpose at this time and live up to those higher standards. Accept and honor yourself enough to do the right thing even if it isn’t necessarily the easiest thing."

I guess I need to ease up on myself and stop feeling like I'm a failure. My graduation ceremony is on Friday, but because I've missed so much school, I don't actually finish for another week or two. I've been stressing. Not to mention, there was a death on Justin's side of the family. I feel sad, but mostly hollow and confused. 2016 has not been a nice year. So many hard changes. So many life lessons. I don't know how much more I can handle.

July Dark Moon 2016

It's Independence Day here in the US. We're not doing anything special; staying indoors where it's not hot and humid, and cleaning the house. Had some corndogs and onion rings to kind of match the day, but like I said, nothing special.

This dark moon's tarot card pull is strength. "The strength to create peace between opposing forces. These forces may be internalized or personified in a situation. Tame them. You have the strength!"

I have no idea what this means. I've been sitting here trying to meditate on this but I'm drawing a blank. I guess I need the strength to reach my goals. I have a lot of internalized feelings regarding certain relationships. I have this constant feeling of impending doom now that graduation is only a couple weeks away. Eighteen days...

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I have a few things set down, but nothing set in stone. I constantly feel tired and disconnected. Hopefully I'll find the strength to just keep going. I'm not very good at this adulting thing.

Summer Solstice and the Strawberry Moon

"The Algonquin tribes knew this Moon as a time to gather ripening strawberries. It is also known as the Rose Moon and the Hot Moon."

And it sure as shit was a hot moon. The temperature reached 100 today and my fat little body was melting. I didn't have anything planned for the summer solstice. I stay at my ex's on the weekends and forgot to bring anything with me to do ritual, so, since I stayed over today waiting for someone and having a doctor appointment nearby, I bought a simple white candle and used an image of the sun as my focus. Since it's both the solstice and the full moon, I listened to meditative music specifically for a full moon. This simple meditation lasted for about 20 minutes before one of my legs and my butt went numb. You can listen to it at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSmtHUNa8YA

I pulled a card today to meditate on as well. Using the Goddess Tarot, I pulled the Prince of Swords. "The suit of swords is associated with Isis, the Egyptian fertility goddess. Swords symbolize the incisive forces of the intellect; they cut through to refocus the energy grown in the preceding suit of staves. Swords also symbolize the magical ability to transform painful situations into areas of personal growth. ... Like Isis, we can choose how to use our swords. We can turn them against ourselves when we are in pain. Or we can transform the situation through knowledge and understanding. From: http://www.tarotgoddess.com/

MEANING: Cutting through confusion. Being able to defend oneself brilliantly. Focus and clarity of understanding. A person who symbolizes these forces.


I believe my focus needs to be with my education. I'm being distracted by other things, and I need the closure on things I've been working on. It fits well with my meaning of this solstice. I see it as a symbol for, even though it's the longest day, it still comes to an end. I need closure, but I need to focus to better understand my obstacles. I have so much on my mind dealing with my heart and my goals. One step at a time.

Reading Material

So, one of my daughters has scarlet fever. We thought it was a regular cold, but throughout the weekend she just kept getting worse, so when I took her to the doctor, she tested positive for strep. When I gave her a bath, she was covered in a red and itchy rash, which is caused by the strep, which is scarlet fever. Poor kid has been miserable for almost a week. I wish we had caught it sooner. Instead of doing a reading for myself on the 5th's dark moon, I just enjoyed my time with family. Maybe I'll doing a reading for myself later.

I've started reading a new book. The Book of Black Magic and of Pacts by Arthur Edward Waite. I was watching the movie The Craft and decided to look up the book that Nancy is reading inside the witchy shop. Now I know that the book is bound with the title "Invocation of the Spirit" or something along those lines, but I Googled lines of the actual text shown and found Waite's book. I don't honestly believe in black/white magick. I'm very much of the same mind as the store clerk in that movie, where she says, "True magic is neither black, nor white - it's both because nature is both. Loving and cruel, all at the same time. The only good or bad is in the heart of the witch. Life keeps a balance on its own." Either way, I'm interested to see what this book has to offer. It's rather old, first published in 1898 (the edition I found was published in 1910.) I have no idea what to expect, but I'm of an opened mind, so we'll see.

I'm behind on videos on my YouTube channel and haven't been able to participate in the witchy collab channel these past few times. I'm tired and sick and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'll be seeing doctors soon.

Blessings to you all.

Beltane, New Moon in May, and a Surgery

White Tara from http://www.egreenway.com/

Goddess of healing
Let it begin
Healing without
Healing within
Healing the spirit
Healing your skin
Goddess of healing
Let it begin

I spent most of my week last week at my ex-husband's, spending time with him and the children, and resting up. I had planned on writing wishes to tie onto the trees for Beltane, but the weather didn't permit. We ended up just hanging out, enjoying each others' company, playing video games. I had doctor visits on both Monday and Tuesday, and on Wednesday I had an oophorectomy. Thursday I went back to visit and stayed for the rest of the week, healing, until this morning. I was still too tired to even pull a card on the dark moon on Friday. I enjoyed my Mother's Day.

I've just been resting and taking care of my stitches, taking it very easy. I'm a little sore from the surgery, but I'm no longer in pain, which is nice. Hopefully this will allow me more energy for ritual and spell work, since I've been so low on it recently.

Pink Moon 2016

It's been a very tiring few weeks. I am have a few issues with my health and it's taking a toll on my energy.

The month of April brings the full pink moon. Some people think the moon is named so because it turns pink, but the truth is a lot more simpler. "This full Moon heralded the appearance of the moss pink, or wild ground phlox—one of the first spring flowers. It is also known as the Sprouting Grass Moon, the Egg Moon, and the Fish Moon." -- from the Old Farmers' Almanac

This month's card pull from the Fairy Oracle that I use was pretty straight-forward. "Fear knocked on the door, trust opened it, and nobody was there." If I put trust in my faith, in my resources, and the people around me, my fear will go away. I have so much fear in my future, with my health and my schooling. I don't know if my upcoming surgery will help me out like it's supposed to. I don't know if I'll graduate on time. I don't know if I'll be able to pay off my school debt so I can graduate. I don't know a lot of things that are fucking with my emotions and my mind. I just need to trust that things will get resolved, that I'm stronger than I think I am, and watch the fear dissipate.

*sigh* This may take a while.

New Moon April 2016

So, I did nothing for the new moon this month on Thursday the 7th. Not that I didn't want to, I just had little energy that week. I've actually been having issues with my energy. On Sunday, I kept falling asleep and dozing off. My children had tried to wake me, even their father tried, and I still slept well past noon and kept dozing until about 3pm. I have no idea what that is about and I think I need to up my meditation and do some yoga.

I had received from a page I follow on Facebook about what the new moon would bring.

New Moon in Aries
Image: Fire
Things are coming to a head and confrontation seems inevitable on this New Moon. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Otherwise, stand your ground.
Keywords: Confrontation, emotional outbursts, sizzle, intensity, expect the unexpected

I didn't really have and issues that day; a couple of misunderstandings, and a rude customer, but nothing too out of the ordinary. There was one emotional outburst, but it was to be expected as it was her last day at the salon. For me, it was a day of celebration.

We'll see what next month brings.

Full Worm Moon 2016

I'm not going to blather on like I normally do. My health is not permitting me a good week but I'm doing the best I can. Yesterday was the full moon and I pulled a card from the Oracle deck just as I've been doing the past couple months. This one depicted three women; the women on the left and right were dressed in elegant Asian dresses while the woman in the middle was dressed plainly and held a large rose. The fortune on the back read: "When you gaze upon a rose, enjoy her beauty - don't count her petals. " I guess I need to slow down, and if not slow down, then I need to see the beauty in all of the mundane. I need to find the joy in the every-day.

Ostara 2016

Yesterday was a very simple day. Since it was a Sunday, I spent it with the children. Since it was the first of Spring and therefore, Ostara, I bought them all ice cream and we planted flowers and made a little windowsill garden out of the planting pails. We spent the day enjoying the sunshine and playing co-op on a Zelda 3ds game.

I didn't celebrate Ostara until today. This, too, was simple as I don't have my own personal altar space and have to wing it. I kept it very low-key and am now sitting here watching the candles burn out. Someone on Facebook posted a lovely prayer that they themselves how found on Tumblr about a year ago. I used it for my ritual. It goes:

"May you find fertility in the way you wish to have it:
A fertile imagination
A fertile career
A fertile garden
A fertile social life
A fertile body
A fertile hobby
Whatever your seeds of choice may be, I hope they grow for you in the way you dream of."

I think this pretty much covers it. I'm looking forward to Spring.

Third New Moon 2016

I haven't done much contemplation this new moon, mostly because I am in a lot of physical pain. I am having issues with my right ovary to the point that if it doesn't get any better by May, I will have to have it laparoscopically removed.

Last night's card pulled was the Star. According to http://rider-waite.tarotsmith.net/, "The summary of several tawdry explanations says that it is a card of hope. On other planes it has been certified as immortality and interior light. For the majority of prepared minds, the figure will appear as the type of Truth unveiled, glorious in undying beauty, pouring on the waters of the soul some part and measure of her priceless possession. But she is in reality the Great Mother in the Kabalistic Sephira Binah, which is supernal Understanding, who communicates to the Sephiroth that are below in the measure that they can receive her influx."

I only understand about half of what that says, so I'm going with Truth Unveiled and Hope. I'm hoping this rings true in my life. Right now, I'm going through a lot of things. My physical health, as was previously mentioned, is not doing so well. I'm having issues with my mental health as well and hitting setbacks. I'm having financial problems and other issues, and I'm exhausted trying to keep my mentality in one piece. I've almost given up on multiple occasions. So, here's for HOPE, because I need it.

Snow Moon 2016

February is known to have the heaviest snow fall. However, since I live in the south, the most we've gotten is rain. After about a good week of spring weather, it has been raining the past couple of days and the temperature has dropped to the 60s. I see this time as an end to the winter. Nature struggling into the next season.


Last night, I went through a guided meditation offered by Source Vibrations on YouTube. You can find the video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iOlFZHs768
It takes about 15 minutes before the meditation actually starts, but it is very soothing and relaxing. I didn't last further than a half-hour, because I ended up falling asleep.

This month's full moon musing is "You cannot give more days to life, but you can give more life to your days." I'm not quite sure what this means to me yet. It may have something to do with the fact that I just feel like giving up. I live every day of my life on auto-pilot and I feel like I'm getting nothing done. I want peace and understanding. I want this journey to slow down so I can catch my breath. I have so many things going on in my head, I, like I said, just want to give up. I need to remember why I'm on this journey and give it more life so that I can enjoy the outcome.

Imbolc and the New Moon

So February has started and for some reason I keep thinking it's still January, even though I am a diligent cross-the-day-out-on-the-calendar person.

Imbolc was very uneventful for me in the religious/spirituality front, unless you count ending up in the hospital as something along those lines.

On the second, after going through to weeks of pelvic pain, I had a horrible spike in my pain and could barely function past the curled-up-in-the-fetal-position-and-cry phase. After spending 8 hours in the emergency room, I am prescribed pain meds, antibiotics for a pelvic infection, and a referral to an OBGYN for the two penny-sized cysts in my right ovary. Apparently one had ruptured that day, hence the pain. The first one hasn't fully drained, and the second has yet to rupture. My new doctor put me on a higher dose of medication and he'll see me in a month. I just have to suck it up and whatever. So, for Imbolc, I pretty much stayed in bed and wished I didn't have ovaries.

Now the new moon was just a few days ago. Due to the excruciating pain I'm still in, I didn't attend he dark moon ritual as I would have liked. Instead, I did a very simple offering to the "unnamed" crone aspect, and pulled a card for this month's reading. The 6 of swords.

In the Rider-Waite, upright, the card means: journeys by water. Perhaps for pleasure, but more likely the Six of Swords metaphorically suggests traveling away from previous confrontation and turmoil. The journey will take the subject to a place of greater harmony on the far shore. What is left behind is also significant... this card suggests moving on from naive or erroneous ideas toward a state of clearer understanding, improved communications and greater knowledge. Traditionally, expedience, passage, travel, voyage. Reversed: unwilling or unable to leave the current situation behind. Feeling trapped or perhaps fearful of the journey. Communication problems. Misconceptions. Travel may be delayed or interrupted. Also, a warning of possible danger from water. Be wary of storms, flooding, children around swimming pools and other water hazards. Traditionally, confessions, disclosures, publicity, unwanted marriage proposals or declarations of love.

Again, something pops up with change, which doesn't surprise me. I'm taking my finals the end of this month or sometime next month, but once I take it, it will change the journey that I am on. Depending on the grade, everything I have done will be left behind and everything that I have worked for will be screaming in my face. It has caused me much anxiety, but I know I can persevere. I'm good at making shit up as I go, even if I'm falling apart inside.

Oh, nighttime musings, how I wish you had different news. I wish for a snazzy new boyfriend! No? OK, maybe next time.

Wolf Moon 2016

So, since the Grove only has dark moon rituals, I decided to do my full moon rituals at home with a simple card pull and a meditation.

I am using Sulamith Wulfing's Fairy Oracle, which I have had for well over a decade now. When my ex-husband and I first got married, I had really wanted Brian Froud's Faeries' Oracle. Unfortunately, it had just come out at the time, was very popular, and at a price we could not yet afford. J had found these for much cheaper. Funnily enough, these now cost more than Froud's.

These cards are not actually oracle cards but are more little devotionals. The front of the card depicts the colorful and beautiful artwork of Wulfing while the back frames the focal point of the same picture in black and white. Underneath the picture is a simple message. The message is only a sentence long, resembling something you would find inside a Japanese/Chinese-American cookie.

For this month's full moon meditation, I reflected the meaning of the wolf as well as the phrase on the card I pulled.

For more information on this year's full moons, their names, and their meanings, consider visiting: http://www.space.com/31699-full-moon-names-2016-explained.html

This month's card depicts two faces; one face, feminine and childlike, facing outward, and one face above her and seemingly older, overlapping, in profile. To the bottom right of the picture, overlapping both faces, is a moth, wings outspread. The phrase reads: Love is the only fortune that grows as it is spent.

Right now, my life is a hot damn mess. I have a lot on my plate and I'm panicking so badly I'm pushing people away. I'm afraid of being loved because of the mess I created in my life, and it has caused me much loneliness. I guess the Universe is telling me to put my big-girl panties on and let love in. Only love is real.

As for the wolf, I see it as symbolizing intelligence and instincts; two things I need to work on. I'm in no way an idiot, but I have a lot to learn. I, also, rarely trust my instincts. *sigh* So much work to do, and much to reflect on.

What are your full moon musings?

New Moon January 9, 2016 and the Empress

OK, so I know that this is well over a week after the fact, but I attended my first ritual in YEARS back on Saturday the 9th with Hearthstone Grove in Austin. They are a lovely group of people, and though I don't see them often, I do hold them close to my heart. Their Dark Moon rituals are held to the public, so even though I am not a member of the grove, I'm still able to attend ritual.

To be honest, I don't remember much of the ritual except a few things. The temperature was about 37° F, so that may have attributed to my memory loss as I spent most of my time focusing on trying not to freeze. I had left right after school and had only worn my hoodie sweater, so I borrowed one from a friend and put that over mine. Even though I was wearing two hoodies, I was still cold. It didn't help that the log for the bonfire wouldn't light. A good chunk was spent just trying to get the damned thing going. Booze was added to amp the flame, but even that didn't work. Paper was found and draped all over and eventually it did stay lit, but of course, after everyone had given up and said "If it blows out, then, whatever." I remember the opening and closing of the circle, which was done by walking deosil and later widdershins, and singing both times, but can't recollect what songs were sung. I always enjoy this part of ritual, especially in a group. It's the only time I can harmonize, and it sounds so lovely to me. There was also a part, during offering, where the leader decided to 'twerk' at the fire as his offering. I'm quite sure the gods were pleased with his booty bouncing. :)

Anyway, during ritual, a card from the Tarot was pulled to represent the next few weeks until the next new phase. The card pulled was The Empress.

According to the Rider-Waite, the Empress signifies "Birth. Growth. Development. Nurturing. The Empress is a good mother. Fruitful, benevolent, loving and caring. A person of station deserving of respect. When seeking answers about one's self, the card may indicate motherly worries about people or projects. It may raise the question of too much mothering or over-protectiveness. It may also be a reminder to the seeker that patience and persistence are necessary when nurturing growth. Traditionally, fertility, wealth, marriage, a female family member." Reversed, the meaning changes to "The opposite of nurturing and caring. Disregard for others. Abandonment of those who need care. Perhaps an indication to learn to be a better nurturer or caretaker. Traditionally, infertility, poverty, lethargy, infidelity."

According to the Crowley Thoth tarot, the Empress resembles "Love. Beauty. Happiness. Pleasure. Success. Fruitfulness. Good Fortune. Graciousness. Elegance. Gentleness." Ill-dignified, it represents "Dissipation. Debauchery. Idleness. Sensuality.

In another deck it means "Utilizing your creativity. Manifesting; allowing things to grow and develop around you. Growth and prosperity. Reversed: Too easygoing; the need to stand up for your rights."

There are more similar meanings elsewhere, especially online, and you can find one at http://www.simplytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/major-arcana-tarot-card-meanings/the-empress/

As for what it means to me, I see it as a whole lot of change is coming.

I already had a faint idea that change was coming. I had gone to a New Year's Eve party at a friend's and crashed on her couch afterwards. I had a lot of dreams, but the one that I remembered was one dealing with change. The exact words said in the dream were 'change is coming,' and I innately knew that it would be long and even painful in some parts. I had it sitting in the back of my mind for a while but hadn't let it truly sink in until I sat and meditated about this card.

Change is coming. Big changes. I don't know if it was meant just for me, for the group, for the nation, or for the world, but it will come. I feel nowhere near prepared for life, but I asked for this. I already made plans for changes to occur. Some changes are, of course, happening without any of my control, but others I've set into motion. I can tell you I'm terrified. I've grown comfortable. Regardless of how I feel, though, change is coming.

On another note, I found it interesting that Joanna of Kick-Ass Witch (https://www.youtube.com/user/JoannaDeVoe) has called 2016 her Year of the Queen. She mentioned this in late December, and what I find funny is that the first card pulled for me for the year just happened to be the Empress, which, of course, is a queen.

Here's to a life-changing year, even though I'm already wishing for a do-over.

Mercury Retrograde and January 2016

Is Mercury retrograde fucking anybody else's shit up? Like, seriously?

First, let me start off with saying that the deaths of David Bowie and Alan Rickman have really hit me hard. They were such an inspirational part of my childhood. Bowie's music and personality helped me understand myself better and deal with my inner demons. Rickman's characters brought me much joy, especially the Metatron in Dogma and (of course) Snape in Harry Potter. The fact that their deaths were so close together and caused by cancer wounds me deeply. I may have been able to handle it differently if there had been a larger span of time in between, but seeing as it was, I cried deeply. I never knew these men, and they will never know what they mean to me and how they helped me.

Second, Mercury retrograde [Rx] is fucking my shit up. Usually, Rx doesn't bother me much. Over the years, Rx has been a small nuisance that I easily dealt with. I had a few misfires in some endeavors or misunderstandings in communication, nothing so much that I wanted to light something on fire out of frustration. They were always simple things. This month, however, I have no idea what happened, but it's barely the end of the third week and I just want to walk down a street and punch people in the face. (Don't worry. I'm actually a very loving and passive person and would never actually do this unless threatened, but a girl does have her fantasies.)

It didn't start off poorly. There was a miscommunication with a psychiatric appointment, but I still received my meds, and then I went and enjoyed a day with a friend and Star Wars Episode 7 after a solo dinner at Olive Garden, but then shit just hit the fan. It came in subtly, with the destruction of my phone. I was watching Episode 7, went to the bathroom, and while I flushed the toilet, my phone slipped out of my jacket pocket (I'm still trying to figure this one out) and fell in the toilet. I quickly dried it off, but it eventually ate shit and died and refuses to work. I have shit on that phone that is now gone. *sigh* I have a replacement phone coming next week, but I'm still mourning the loss of my media files.

The next issue is that my car didn't pass inspection. No big deal, it was a "simple fix" having to do with the lights above my license plate. The fuses and bulbs were fine, so it had to be the wiring. Take it to the mechanic, says it's the wiring and an "easy fix", try to order the part, CAN'T FIND THE PART ANYWHERE. So now my inspection and registration tags (which can't be given without a passed inspection) are expired and my plate lights don't work. Every time I drive to go to school, run errands, or visit my kids, I'm paranoid I'm going to get pulled over for the stupid light (which I have before) and then get a ticket for the expired tags (which I just paid off for the last time this happened.) The anxiety when driving (and I'm already a nervous driver) is nauseating. I. do not. have. the money for this shit.

And as of today, I almost died. OK, I'm exaggerating and being melodramatic, but it felt like it. It's cedar season here in Texas and I'm horribly allergic. It's not just a few little sniffles here and there and maybe some itchy, watery eyes every once in a while. I look like I got hit by a truck, or at least, punched in the face. It manifests just like a cold; soar throat, fever, vomiting, nausea, sinus headaches, mucous congestion, runny nose... I feel and look like hell. For the past five days straight I have stayed in bed eating nothing but soup and chocolate, missing school, watching episodes of Bewitched because I can't concentrate long enough to read, and just being miserable. Today I had an asthma attack and ended up in the ER. I figured the doctor was just going to tell me I had a virus or an infection. Nope. Just allergies. Seriously. Allergies to tree pollen. I stopped breathing because of fucking tree semen. Ended up with a shot and am now on a lovely regime of steroids.

*sigh* I just want shit to get back to normal! And if all this is happening and it's not because of Rx, can it ease up, please? I seriously can't continue like this.